So I am in need of some minor stress therapy. And instead of going and getting some I shall instead rant here in the hopes that doing so will make me feel better. Feel free not to read, this is mainly for me.
So. I know I have not been around as of late, and for that I am truly sorry. There have been things going on in my life that have reduced my social circle to practically nothing. Don't get me wrong, I am certainly not depressed or anything (or at least not most of the time) but I am not happy.
To stop any badness right now I just want to make one proviso to the shit that is going on in my life: I love my girlfriend. With all my heart I love that woman and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. This may be a bit random for those of you who don't see me in real life, but believe me when I say you'd love her too. She makes me more happy than I ever thought I could be, and is almost certainly the reason why I am not incredibly depressed right now. So Laura? This does not apply to you in the least and I'm sorry if it makes you sad. You know it all anyway.
So back to the badness. It looks like I might slightly have lost most of the friends I ever had. It all started when I got together with Laura. Admittedly I may have been a bit crap during this period: Friends were going through things and I was less than there for them. And I feel unbelievably guilty for that. I feel guilty for that every time I talk to any of them. However, I would like to say that I was going through other things at the time and realistically cannot be expected to come running every time a friend calls for aid. I try, I really try, but sometimes you have to look after number one and that was a time.
I kinda feel a bit crap about writing about all of this having supposedly already cleared this with people, but I can't talk to anyone. I'm so scared now, and I don't know why. I'm reminded all the time of how I let people down, but sometimes others don't think about how they're letting me down. And if you think this is aimed at you, it probably isn't - don't fret. I'm not trying to blame anyone or make anyone feel rubbish, I just really really really need to get some things off my chest. Sorry.
So yeah. I let friends down, they let me down, circle of badness. And now maybe because of the bad place my head is in all I can see is my friends turning to each other and shutting me out. Not inviting me to things, not talking with me about random things. I don't know what to think and I have no-one to talk to because the people I would usually turn to are the ones that are making me feel this way.
Also home isn't as great as all that either. I won't go into it because I don't want to, but I didn't leave home under the best of circumstances and I don't think it will be properly mended until I see them again. Don't get me wrong, I love my family - everyone that reads this journal knows that - but for some reason it kinda doesn't feel like a safe haven anymore. I'll get over it, but it's hard not being able to call home when you're sad.
So the main root of all this badness: I have pretty bad Fibromyalgia. It's not fully diagnosed yet, but from what I've read of the literature the rheumatoligist gave me it's what I have. Chronic, full-body achy pain? Check. Lack of restoring sleep? Check. EXTREME pain when people poke me/I bang into stuff? Check. Increased clumsiness due to lack of sleep so I bang into more stuff? Double check. Yup, that's it. World o' pain right now. Which has reduced my world down to a tiny tiny bubble. A bubble that includes Laura, so it's not all bad don't get me wrong. I guess I'm grieving for the life I had before and won't have again until I can get this bloody thing under control.
So yeah. I do feel better now. Sorry to have bugged you. Life isn't all that terrible - as I've said before many, many times my girlfriend is the most wonderful person in all the world. I can't wait until I can spend every day with her. I know she will be there for me no matter what happens or what I do. Seriously guys, she rocks. Plus she looks really hot in eyeliner ;)
I'll be fine, don't fret (if you even were, sorry for presuming). A new term, a new start. And maybe I'll do some work this time, eh? Although I did just get a reliable tip (from my singing teacher who is the wife of my lecturer for last term) that my final essay was the best in the class! Yay, go me!