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Hey Livejournal.

So I am in need of some minor stress therapy. And instead of going and getting some I shall instead rant here in the hopes that doing so will make me feel better. Feel free not to read, this is mainly for me.

So. I know I have not been around as of late, and for that I am truly sorry. There have been things going on in my life that have reduced my social circle to practically nothing. Don't get me wrong, I am certainly not depressed or anything (or at least not most of the time) but I am not happy.

To stop any badness right now I just want to make one proviso to the shit that is going on in my life: I love my girlfriend. With all my heart I love that woman and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. This may be a bit random for those of you who don't see me in real life, but believe me when I say you'd love her too. She makes me more happy than I ever thought I could be, and is almost certainly the reason why I am not incredibly depressed right now. So Laura? This does not apply to you in the least and I'm sorry if it makes you sad. You know it all anyway.

So back to the badness. It looks like I might slightly have lost most of the friends I ever had. It all started when I got together with Laura. Admittedly I may have been a bit crap during this period: Friends were going through things and I was less than there for them. And I feel unbelievably guilty for that. I feel guilty for that every time I talk to any of them. However, I would like to say that I was going through other things at the time and realistically cannot be expected to come running every time a friend calls for aid. I try, I really try, but sometimes you have to look after number one and that was a time.

I kinda feel a bit crap about writing about all of this having supposedly already cleared this with people, but I can't talk to anyone. I'm so scared now, and I don't know why. I'm reminded all the time of how I let people down, but sometimes others don't think about how they're letting me down. And if you think this is aimed at you, it probably isn't - don't fret. I'm not trying to blame anyone or make anyone feel rubbish, I just really really really need to get some things off my chest. Sorry.

So yeah. I let friends down, they let me down, circle of badness. And now maybe because of the bad place my head is in all I can see is my friends turning to each other and shutting me out. Not inviting me to things, not talking with me about random things. I don't know what to think and I have no-one to talk to because the people I would usually turn to are the ones that are making me feel this way.

Also home isn't as great as all that either. I won't go into it because I don't want to, but I didn't leave home under the best of circumstances and I don't think it will be properly mended until I see them again. Don't get me wrong, I love my family - everyone that reads this journal knows that - but for some reason it kinda doesn't feel like a safe haven anymore. I'll get over it, but it's hard not being able to call home when you're sad.

So the main root of all this badness: I have pretty bad Fibromyalgia. It's not fully diagnosed yet, but from what I've read of the literature the rheumatoligist gave me it's what I have. Chronic, full-body achy pain? Check. Lack of restoring sleep? Check. EXTREME pain when people poke me/I bang into stuff? Check. Increased clumsiness due to lack of sleep so I bang into more stuff? Double check. Yup, that's it. World o' pain right now. Which has reduced my world down to a tiny tiny bubble. A bubble that includes Laura, so it's not all bad don't get me wrong. I guess I'm grieving for the life I had before and won't have again until I can get this bloody thing under control.

So yeah. I do feel better now. Sorry to have bugged you. Life isn't all that terrible - as I've said before many, many times my girlfriend is the most wonderful person in all the world. I can't wait until I can spend every day with her. I know she will be there for me no matter what happens or what I do. Seriously guys, she rocks. Plus she looks really hot in eyeliner ;)

I'll be fine, don't fret (if you even were, sorry for presuming). A new term, a new start. And maybe I'll do some work this time, eh? Although I did just get a reliable tip (from my singing teacher who is the wife of my lecturer for last term) that my final essay was the best in the class! Yay, go me!


Hey, how's it going? Of course I remember you. :D

Hee. You're talking about Nigel, right? He was my tutor last year for ensemble class and of course is unbelievably awesome. I've already done all the stuff I need to do for the department (doctor's notes and all that) and seriously it's not utterly debilitating most of the time. I didn't know you had (or don't anymore) fibro. What happened? What do they think it is now? Sorry if those are personal questions.

Thank you so much for the kind thought though. If I bump into Nigel I might talk to him, but I think I'm being a bit stubborn at the moment and trying to struggle through on my own. Thank you though. :D
Of course I'm talking about Nigel. *loves the Nigel* Now if I could get him to get on YIM so we could have a proper chat, I'd be happy.

My original diagnosis was fibro. Right now I don't really have one as the docs are telling me that they don't know what it is, but that things started too young for it to be fibro. So in other words, I don't know what I have.

I hope you don't mind, but I added the MSN address in your profile to my MSN. I'm also perfectly willing to do phone (because my brother goes to uni in Scotland, we've got some set-up where we get incredibly cheap rates to the UK) if you want to chat and because I can explain some of the fibro stuff better in an actual conversation (MSN or phone). I also can show you some decent just general support resources.
Hee. He does indeed rock, and was in fact the reason why I went to Sheffield in the first place (though don't tell him that as I will only blush). He got so very excited about his research on Messian in the intro lecture that I knew this was a department I wanted to be a part of. :D

What were your initial symptoms etc? Sorry to be poking, but was it because of these symptoms that you couldn't walk? Mine isn't near that stage, but it's really horrid sometimes nonetheless. How young did it start? I hope the doctors do find the root of everything for you, it's so frustrating not knowing what's going on.

I'd love to talk to you in person, I'm usually on MSN in the evenings (when I'm not playing video games. Or working *ahem* *ahem*) so I'll poke you if I see you online? Thank you for everything. :D :D

Better late than never to respond...

I believe I told him that about you back when I first met you... ooops. Actually, he has great things to say about you, too :-)

As far as initial symptoms go, it'd be easier for me to explain in a chat and such. And I have yet to see you on MSN (I'm gilli1013@hotmail.com on MSN). I've also got AIM and YIM if either one of those is easier. And you can e-mail me pstowe@gmail.com

Re: Better late than never to respond...

Haha fair enough. Oooh what does he say about me? That's shiny. :D :D I'm such a geek. Oh well.

I am around, don't fret. I haven't been on much recently as I've been staying at my girlfriend's in Derby and her internet connection doesn't work on my computer for some reason. :S I'd like to chat though if we can meet up at some point. I have added you though, but you don't ever seem to be on when I am! Hee. ♥!